Shop talk (Published in 'The Statesman' on 17/10/12)

The disgruntled former chief minister of Karnataka Mr BS Yeddyurappa recently declared that he intended to form his own political outfit in December. Jest Kidding talked to sources close to the leader to find out more about the party. We have been told that the new party would be named BJP(Y) ~ Bharatiya Jokers’ Party (Yeddyurappa). We have learnt that the party would be unfettered of ideology, vision or any cause. The party is being formed with the sole objective of providing unadulterated entertainment to the Indian public. This, it is said, would be accomplished by handpicking leaders from across the political spectrum. “The membership of the party would be strictly by invitation. To be considered for membership, one should have ‘proven capability for dimwitted comments’. Yeddyurappaji will personally select the members,” the source said.

Naturally, Mr Yeddyurappa is planning to extend the first invitation to Mr Digvijay Singh of the Congress party. It is learnt that Mr Digvijay Singh would be requested to be the president of the party. It is also said that Mr Yeddyurappa is closely following developments on the national political scene to identify potential members. Apparently, the former CM is quite satisfied with the turn of events over the last several days as it has helped him identify several deserving candidates. It is widely believed that Mr Robert Vadra would definitely get an invitation for his “mango people in banana republic” comment. Another person sure to be invited to join the party is Union steel minister Mr Beni Prasad Verma who has a solid track record. After justifying price rise, the minister had recently remarked that a person like Mr Salman Khurshid was unlikely to indulge in any wrongdoing for a paltry sum of Rs 71 lakh as the amount was too small for a Central minister to be bothered about. “Shri Verma would be an ideal member. We want people like him with established credentials,” said an aide of Mr Yeddyurappa.

There is also popular demand for considering the West Bengal chief minister for membership as her ability to inspire hilarity has been proven time and again. True to her reputation, the leader recently attributed the increase in the number of rape cases to men and women interacting more freely with each other. However, there was widespread relief and also disbelief that she did not blame the spurt in rape on Maoists. It is anticipated that Mr Om Prakash Chautala would also receive an invitation for his recent statement endorsing the stand of khap panchayats to reduce the marriageable age of boys and girls to 16 to curb incidents of sexual assault.

Jest Kidding contacted Mr Digvijay Singh to congratulate him on being offered the role of ‘party president’. But Mr Singh was not in a celebratory mood. He was extremely upset with the recent developments as several people are seriously threatening his reputation as the ‘Foot in mouth’ king with their ridiculous comments. Venting his frustration, Mr Singh said: “I strongly condemn the statement made by Om Prakash Chautala. Chautala should be forcefully made to marry Robert Vadra to prevent his thoughts from straying.” Asked about Miss Mamata Banerjee’s recent statement, Mr Singh scoffed: “I do not know if rapes have increased because of men and women interacting freely. But I know for sure that hilarity has increased because of Didi talking freely.”

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=427068&catid=39

Mountains and molehills (Published in 'The Statesman' on 10/10/12)

Jest Kidding managed to clinch an exclusive tête-à-tête with a veteran octogenarian politician from Tamil Nadu. In a candid interview, the politician shared his thoughts on the business of politics, the current political scenario, how politics has changed over the years and his meteoric rise from being a man of limited means to having a family that is worth several thousand, if not lakh, crores of rupees. Here are some excerpts.

When asked for his views on the latest controversy surrounding Mr Robert Vadra’s fortune, the visibly irritated leader shot back: “Come on, man. Grow up. Even some deputy superintendents in the police department are worth a few crore rupees these days. Vadra belongs to the first family of Indian politics and is the son-in-law of the most powerful politician in India. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Be practical. Wake up to reality. Do you expect people to be like Kamaraj and Shastri today? Are we in 1950? Rs 500 crore is nothing. The allegation by Modi that several hundred crores of rupees of government money has been spent on Sonia Gandhi’s foreign trips is also extremely frivolous and childish. Even if this is true, being the head of the Nehru-Gandhi family, is she not entitled to even Rs.1,880 crore as perks from the government? Let’s be realistic.”

Answering a question on rampant corruption in politics, the leader said: “What’s surprising about that? With our educational and criminal background, it would be difficult for most of us to even get an LDC/UDC position in the government. Elections have become very expensive over the years. Winning an election is difficult. Making a career out of politics is even more difficult. Most of us in politics are not qualified to find an alternate career. So we make sure that when we are in power we make the most of this opportunity. Of course, rewards come with associated risks. But politics is a thankless job. Nobody appreciates the risks we take. Your daughter might end up in jail for several months spending the hot summer days in a room that is not air-conditioned. You need to be prepared for such eventualities. But we will bounce back and be a part of parliamentary panels and we’ll continue to win elections. We recognise that life is full of ups and downs. Politicians need to be extremely thick-skinned.”

When asked about Mr Arvind Kejriwal’s new party, the anti-corruption movement and the promise of change, the veteran politician said in a dismissive tone: “Arvind Kejriwal is a novice in the system. I have seen many Arvinds in my life. Slowly, he will understand the harsh reality of Indian politics and get institutionalised or disappear.”

In other news, the comptroller and auditor-general of India termed the figure Rs 500 crore ‘insignificant, tiny and laughable’. “I have seen much greater numbers. Have you forgotten the 2G and Coalgate scams so soon, as Sushil Kumar Shinde had ominously predicted,” the CAG asked.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=426197&catid=39

Clean shot (Published in 'The Statesman' on 03/10/12)

In a move that has received widespread appreciation in Pakistan, a police officer in Karachi has invoked contentious clauses of the Pakistan Penal Code to register a blasphemy case against Indian cricketer Virat Kohli. It is learnt that the officer was greatly upset after Pakistan’s humiliating defeat to India in a cricket match between the two countries in the ongoing T20 World cup on Sunday. Apparently, the officer was desperate to vent his frustration and hence took the tried and tested path of the blasphemy law.
The officer has alleged that Virat Kohli showed deep disregard for the sentiments of a large number of people belonging to that country and that some of his shots were clearly blasphemous. “Virat Kohli”, the complaint reads, “behaved in an outrageous and unacceptable manner on Sunday night causing great mental agony to the citizens of Pakistan. He has hurt the beliefs and sentiments of an overwhelming majority of people. This constitutes a clear case of blasphemy under Articles 295-A,B and C of the Pakistan Penal Code.”

The officer also warned that condemning this act of registering a case against Kohli would also be blasphemous and hence anyone criticising this complaint would also be charged with blasphemy. Some groups have hailed the police officer as a “true son of the soil”.

Soon after the case was registered, a mob threatened to punish Kohli if he ever set foot in Pakistan.
In other news related to Pakistan, a Bangladeshi tabloid claimed that Pakistan foreign minister Ms Hina Rabbani Khar and Pakistan People’s party leader Bilawal Bhutto were involved in a scandalous affair. It was also stated that President Asif Ali Zardari was unhappy with their relationship.

Jest Kidding has learnt that a female politician from India considered to be among the most powerful women in the world has written a letter to the Pakistan president urging him not to oppose the relationship. “I am deeply concerned about your opposition to your son’s relationship. You do not know how it feels to be the parent of an unmarried son. You should be happy if your son wants to get married and settle in Switzerland. Such important events in life should not be delayed. If you do not let your son have his way now, many decades later you will regret to see your bachelor son leading the youth wing of your party, forever being a reluctant PM-in-waiting”, the letter read.

In another interesting development of last week, many Indians have taken serious exception to Mr Narendra Modi’s statement alleging that Rs 1880 crore has been spent on the foreign trips of Mrs Sonia Gandhi. People have strongly condemned Mr Modi for misleading the public with such baseless statements quoting abysmally low figures.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=425302&catid=39

Reform, reform (Published in 'The Statesman' on 26/09/12)

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh seems to have woken up from a slumber after much flak from the Indian and international Press. Working with new-found resolve to catapult the sagging economy back to its formerly high-growth trajectory, Mr Singh announced a slew of tough measures last week.

In the wake of diesel price hike and FDI in multi-brand retail, the PM announced another tranche of reforms yesterday. To everyone’s surprise, these new reform measures had nothing to do with India. For instance, one of the announcements was about allowing 49 per cent FDI in the insurance sector in China. Another was regarding allowing FDI in the aviation sector in Pakistan. Another was about doing away with some investor-unfriendly tax laws in Russia. This latest development has baffled Indians.

Understandably, these measures have evoked sharp reactions from the nations concerned. The Chinese foreign minister expressed shock. The Prime Minister of Pakistan strongly condemned the latest move and termed it an “outrageous overstepping of jurisdiction”. A spokesperson for the Russian foreign ministry preferred irony: “The announcement is funny. The Indian Prime Minister has a good sense of humour. Russia doesn’t take this statement seriously. People in his own country do not take him seriously. Why should we?” The officials in the foreign ministries of some other countries such as Uruguay and Paraguay dismissed the statement as not worth reacting to.

Jest Kidding has learnt that this faux pas is the handiwork of a fun-loving bureaucrat in the Prime Minister’s Office who is quite notorious for his pranks. Judging the mood of the Prime Minister who is too ready to say yes to anything that rhymes with ‘reform’, the mischievous official had included these proposals with other documents and letters that required the assent of the PM. The same person had earlier leaked former Army chief General VK Singh’s letter to the Prime Minister about the poor defence preparedness of the Indian armed forces.

“The Prime Minister took a cursory glance at the proposals and chancing upon words such as FDI and
foreign investors, he signed the documents with gusto,” said an official in the PMO who did not wish to be identified.

The prankster bureaucrat had also prepared a speech to be delivered by Mr Manmohan Singh addressing the people of China trying to drive home the importance of permitting FDI in the insurance sector in China. Some alert officials in the PMO prevented the Prime Minister from reading out the speech barely a few seconds before the recording was set to begin. The minister of state in the Prime Minister’s Office, Mr V Narayanasamy, however sought to downplay the episode. “Our external affairs minister had read the speech of Portuguese minister at United Nations Security Council meeting last year. This is nothing in comparison to that. Do not blow things out of proportion,” said the visibly-upset minister.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=424532&catid=39

Fickle fortune (Published in 'The Statesman' on 19/09/12)

Chennai: The most popular fortune teller in the city who was believed to be earning several lakh rupees every month has suddenly run out of business. Narayanan, an astrologer who also dabbled in numerology, had several high-profile clients, including top film stars and politicians. What was once a thriving business for Narayanan has suddenly run dry. This, it is said, is solely because of a certain statement he made last week. The astrologer had predicted a landslide win for Congress in the 2014 general election. Soon after he made this statement, his daily client count took a nosedive. Today, a week after he made the prediction, almost no one visits him. Experts attribute this sudden reversal in the fortunes of the fortune teller to a ‘credibility crisis’.

This is what one of his erstwhile clients had to say about the incident: “By making an inconceivably ridiculous prediction that is so obviously wrong, he has done great damage to his reputation. Even a two-year-old knows what the fate of the Congress party would be in 2014.”

“This is ridiculous. Any person with an IQ greater than 30 would know what will happen to the Congress in 2014. Just this statement is enough to infer that he is a phoney,” said another of his customers who recently deserted him.

In another interesting development, questions on the electoral prospects of the Congress party in 2014 are being included in many aptitude tests conducted in the country for admission to different programmes and jobs as a test of one’s common sense. “With unprecedented levels of corruption, inflation and slowing economy coupled with irresponsible ministers making callous statements justifying price rise or mocking people’s memory of scams, the only obvious thing in today’s unpredictable world is the fate of Congress in 2014. If a person is unable to grasp this truism, it is easy for the examiners to judge his cognitive abilities. This is probably the simplest way of eliminating people in an aptitude test,” said an examiner who is involved in the preparation of a testing module for a national-level entrance test.

Pediatricians too are administering a certain test on babies only a few months old to detect impaired development at an early stage. Dr Sandeep Agarwal, a child specialist based in Delhi, when asked about the test said: “In this new test, six-month-old babies are asked about the electoral prospects of the Congress in 2014. Any baby with a normal mental growth would sneer meaningfully when asked about the Congress’ prospects. If we note some ambivalence in the baby, such as looking at its rattle or feigning interest in the family dog, there is a high probability that the baby needs help. This is an early detection system that has been indigenously developed and it has been quite effective so far. At least 250 babies with impaired intellectual skills have been identified out of more than 20,000 who were examined”.

Jest Kidding has learnt that the Election Commission of India has sent a letter to the Congress party seeking its response on whether the party really wants to contest in 2014. “If you decide to take the prudent step of not fielding any candidate in the next general election, the EC might explore ingenious options like smooth transfer of power, without elections, to a coalition of non-Congress parties if they are able to arrive at a seat sharing agreement on their own. This would obviate the need for elections in 2014 thus saving crores of rupees. Though several thousand crores of rupees would still be involved due to horse-trading, if parties were to arrive at a seat sharing agreement, that would be black money belonging to parties and not the money of taxpayers that would have to be spent if elections were held. We sincerely hope that better sense will prevail and that you will take the pragmatic step of not contesting,” the letter reads.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=423787&catid=39

What's in it for him? (Published in 'The Statesman' on 12/09/12)

IN the wake of the Washington Post article calling Mr Manmohan Singh a silent Prime Minister who has become a tragic figure and the brouhaha that followed, his media advisor has said that the Prime Minister’s office will soon come out with a statement to throw some light on what keeps the man going despite all the criticism and scorn heaped on him.
  
After Time carried Mr Singh on its cover and called him “The Underachiever”, the Washington Post recently followed suit with a scathing article referring to the PM as “a dithering, ineffectual bureaucrat presiding over a deeply corrupt government”. The article also carried some “earth-shattering facts” which the writer believed were previously unknown to Indians — that the PM was silent, weak and unable to deal with rampant corruption. The Prime Minister has, by now, gotten used to criticism at home. But he never imagined his countrymen would breach codes of secrecy and ethics to inform the foreign press. Jest Kidding learns the Law ministry is examining if the Indian people should be charged under the Official Secrets Act or for sedition — like the Mumbai cartoonist — for squealing to the foreign press.

Against this backdrop, hundreds of thousands of people in India are wondering what keeps Mr.Singh motivated. “He is an island of integrity in a vast ocean of depravity. He is weak, not just because he is not the No.1 in his party but also, as he himself acknowledged, because of powerful coalition partners. He is unable/unwilling to rein in his colleagues. India has witnessed some of the biggest scams under his watch. He has become the butt of every joke today,” an observer said. Even the article quoted a couple of MMS jokes. “Despite all the abuse hurled at this gentleman who was once greatly respected for overseeing the economic reforms of the country, I do not know what motivates him to continue,” said a farmer from Assam, succinctly  capturing the sentiments of a large number of people.

Sensing the pulse of the people, the media advisor to the PM said yesterday, “Such doubts are completely legitimate. It is natural for anyone to be puzzled about what keeps the PM going and he has been made aware of this. Frankly, even I have thought about it quite a few times. In this context, the honourable Prime Minister has gracefully consented to issue a statement that would carry the answer to the million-dollar question, ‘What’s in it for him?’” Naturally, this announcement has led to great excitement across the nation.

After this article in the Post, Indians are eagerly awaiting the next issue of “Outlook India” as it is widely believed that US President Barack Obama would now be called a “tragic figure”.

In other related news, the Prime Minister rubbished rumours that he was considering retirement from politics in the near future. After meeting Rajya Sabha member Sachin Tendulkar at his official residence, the Prime Minister hinted at his being nominated to the Indian cricket team. However, he clarified that politics would remain his focus and that he would continue to remain in politics as long as he enjoyed his role as India’s PM.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=423002&catid=39

In and out (Published in 'The Statesman' on 05/09/12)

The Maharashtra government has requested Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) chief Mr Raj Thackeray to come up with a list of infiltrators in the state to be used for administrative purposes. The chief secretary of Maharashtra, in a recent letter to the MNS chief has referred to Mr Raj Thackeray as the sole, undisputed representative of Marathi Manoos.

“Being the only person who has been authorised by the people of Maharashtra to stand up for their rights, the government thinks it appropriate to get from you a bona fide list of people who are permitted to live in the state. This would go a long way in identifying infiltrators and help the government in delivering better administration,” reads the letter.

This letter comes in the wake of a statement by Mr Raj Thackeray threatening to brand all people from Bihar in Maharashtra as ‘infiltrators’. Jest Kidding has learnt that Mr Thackeray is working on a complex algorithm to identify infiltrators in the state.

A person close to the MNS chief informed Jest Kidding that Mr Thackeray planned to prepare a comprehensive database relying on several parameters such as religion, date of settling in Maharashtra, among other things. “We would soon be launching an Online facility. Any Indian citizen can visit our website, key in details such as driving licence number/UID number/PAN card number to find out if he/she has the right to visit or live in Maharashtra,” the aide said.

In a rare display of unanimity, politicians belonging to different parties unequivocally condemned the statement by Mr Raj Thackeray. In a rare display of sanity, Mr Digvijay Singh took a dig at Mr Raj Thackeray and said that the latter’s family originally belonged to Bihar and had settled in Dhar in western Madhya Pradesh before migrating to Mumbai. The coherence in Mr Digvijay Singh’s statement shocked many as it is extremely uncharacteristic of the Congress leader to practise lucidity. Political analysts suggested that this is a ‘once in a decade event’. “The last time Digvijay Singh made a sensible statement was in 1998,” an expert who closely follows political developments declared.

It has also been learnt that several politicians from across India have approached Mr Raj Thackeray to tweak the rules to favour their domicile status in Maharashtra in order to safeguard their business interests. For instance, former telecom minister Mr A Raja of 2G fame has urged Mr Thackeray to fix the cutoff date for obtaining domicile status in Maharashtra as 1998. He has requested Mr Thackeray to include a codicil reading ‘any person who visited Maharashtra at least once before 1998 cannot be called an infiltrator’. This, of course, is to favour Mr Raja who visited Maharashtra for the first time in 1997. Apparently, Raja has promised to make Raj happy if his demand is conceded. Raj has promised to consider Raja’s case favourably.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=422280&catid=39

Lateral thinking (Published in 'The Statesman' on 29/08/12)

Following his much-acclaimed theory painting a favourable picture of inflation, Union steel minister Mr Beni Prasad Verma has released a list of desirable but popularly-detested evils. The list includes a personal note from the minister alongside each item detailing the basis of its inclusion.

Predictably, rising food prices occupies the top position in the list, with the justification that it benefits the farmers. Another item that has made it to the list is corruption. The minister is of the view that contrary to popular perception, 2G and Coalgate scams have been immensely helpful as they have educated Indians about the constitutional authority called the comptroller & auditor-general of India. “If these scams did not happen would people of this country know about the existence of such an important office?” demanded Mr Verma in a note.

He has also justified crimes like rape and murder. “Crimes should increase at a healthy rate. Imagine a society without crime. What will happen to the law and order machinery? What will happen to the police force and the judiciary? Law enforcers will lose their jobs. This will result in unemployment which would then make these jobless people take to crimes. So, we must ensure that crimes grow at a healthy rate,” reads the minister’s note.

Another item that has made it to the list is ‘low GDP growth rate’. “Most people whine about slowing GDP growth. However, it is well-known that high growth is accompanied by high inflation. So, slow growth is not so bad after all. The lower the growth rate the better it is for the economy. Ideally, we must aim for a negative growth rate,” the minister writes.

“The problem of farmer suicides is being blown out of proportion by the media. A big problem among farmers is indebtedness and suicides handle this problem effectively. It has been observed that farmers who commit suicide are no longer in debt. So farmer suicides help in tackling the problem of indebtedness,” reads the note accompanying the item ‘farmer suicides’ on the list.

Another interesting note goes thus: “The recent move by railways to prevent touts from blocking Tatkal tickets is rather unfortunate. This has impacted thousands of people who were dependent on this railway ticket black market for their livelihood. Blocking of Tatkal tickets by touts is desirable and must be allowed to continue.”

The fact that India has not been at war with any nation for many years now has been listed as a cause for concern. “Our defence budget is a whopping Rs 1,93,000 crore for 2012-13. A war would give us the satisfaction that we are putting this money to good use. Also, the armed forces need to see some action. It is necessary to keep their morale high.”

The list is quite comprehensive and includes an ingenious justification for almost every single thing commonly perceived as undesirable. It is learnt that Congress president Sonia Gandhi is so impressed with Mr Verma’s perspicacity that she has instructed the Prime Minister to set up a group of ministers to ensure his vision is translated into action.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=421508&catid=39

Report Writing (Published in 'The Statesman' on 22/08/12)

After the grand success of the reports on 2G and coal scams, the comptroller and auditor-general (CAG) of India has decided to come up with a series of reports estimating losses to the exchequer caused by government policy decisions since Independence.

Three reports by the CAG that were recently tabled in Parliament pegged the total loss to the exchequer at close to Rs 220,000 crore. This triggered considerable outrage. However, the UPA government also earned admiration from some quarters for exceeding the already high standards it had set for itself by crossing the seemingly insurmountable figure of Rs 176,000 crore achieved in the 2G scam.

Speaking exclusively to Jest Kidding, the CAG said: “It is heartening to see the response to my reports. It has been overwhelming. I feel it would be an exciting exercise to regularly collate similar reports enumerating presumptive losses running to several thousand crores. The ultimate aim would be to come up with a comprehensive master report that would estimate the loss to the exchequer caused by corruption since Independence. I wouldn’t be surprised if the total notional loss exceeds the GDP of many big developing countries.” Along expected lines, Union minister Mr Kapil Sibal dismissed these figures by invoking the complex, ingenious zero-loss theory that he had formulated many months ago.

In other news, the Union power ministry has decided to advance the process of integrating the southern grid with the national grid to January 2014. The integration was earlier planned for December 2014. Jest Kidding has learnt that the decision was precipitated by the recent grid collapse that plunged large parts of north and east India into darkness as experts have pointed out that apart from strictly enforced grid discipline, the fact that the southern grid was not connected with the rest saved it from a blackout.
“Had the grid been integrated earlier, we could have well experienced the spectacle of the entire country being affected at the same time. It would have been a massive show of strength and solidarity. The southern region missed all the excitement. So, we want to make amends now,” said Union minister for power and corporate affairs Mr M Veerappa Moily who did not wish to be named.

In another development, a journalist has accused the Indian-American journalist and author Fareed Zakaria of committing another act of plagiarism. The journalist wrote in a blog that the words Zakaria used to apologise for purported plagiarism had been lifted verbatim from a similar confession made by another author some months ago. But Zakaria vehemently denied the charge.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=420785&catid=39

Olympian feat (Published in 'The Statesman' on 15/08/12)

Parliament witnessed usual scenes of uproar and adjournment on Friday, this time over a statement made by sports minister Mr Ajay Maken during an interview to a private news channel. The minister had said that India would target 25 medals at the 2020 Olympics. A Rajya Sabha member strongly criticised the minister for failing to specify how many of these medals would be reserved for Scheduled Castes and Scheduled Tribes. The former chief minister of a populous north Indian state launched a scathing attack on the minister accusing him of turning a blind eye to the plight of the oppressed people.

The leader who, according to her opponents, has metamorphosed from ‘Dalit ki beti’ to ‘Daulat ki beti’ over the past years, said in Parliament: “I strongly condemn the irresponsible statement made by the sports minister. He has deliberately avoided talking about ensuring adequate representation of the oppressed people among the Indian Olympic medal winners. His skirting the issue clearly exposes his mala fide intent. Fifteen per cent of the members of the Indian contingent must belong to the Scheduled Castes and another 7.5 per cent must be from the Scheduled Tribes. The same proportion must be maintained among medal winners too. The government must immediately introduce a Bill to this effect in this session of Parliament.”

MPs cutting across party lines voiced their support for the demand. Chaos prevailed as members belonging to different parties shouted slogans and stormed the Well of the House. A former chief minister of Bihar present in the House said it was not enough to merely ensure representation of the SCs and STs. He demanded a quota for the Other Backward Castes in addition to the SC/ST reservation. A senior minister of the ruling party suggested the inclusion of a provision for the reservation of 4.5 per cent for the minority community within the quota for OBCs. A major Opposition party opposed this statement from the minister saying that reservation on the basis of religion was unconstitutional and that it would never support such a move. Though the members created ruckus, there was unanimous agreement among the MPs that henceforth, there ought to be reservation for SC/ST/OBCs in the Indian Olympic contingent and among the medal winners.

The minister of state in the Prime Minister’s Office said in the Rajya Sabha that a Bill would be brought in this regard on 22 August after an all-party meeting that would discuss the issue on 21 August. “The Prime Minister will call a meeting of leaders of all political parties on 21st of this month to discuss the issue of SC/ST/OBC reservation. This has been the demand of the honourable members. On 22 August, the government will be able to bring the Bill in the House,” he said. Earlier, the Prime Minister had assured leaders of different political parties in the house that their just demands would be met. The Speaker of the House had to adjourn proceedings following the uproar.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=420161&catid=39

Match Point (Published in 'The Statesman' on 08/08/12)

If reports are to be believed, the former president of the International Cricket Council (ICC), Mr Sharad Pawar, is planning to organise a series of cricket matches in the drought-affected areas of the country. The ex-chief of the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) who, incidentally, is also the agriculture minister of the Union of India responsible for feeding a sixth of the world population is reported to have expressed his desire to conduct a cricket tournament in the rural areas of the country to a top official in the agriculture ministry.

An undersecretary-level officer in the ministry of agriculture spoke to Jest Kidding on condition of anonymity. This is what he had to say: “The minister has a long association with cricket. Also, he has been holding additional charge of agriculture ministry for quite sometime. The minister has been dejected ever since he stepped down as the president of the International Cricket Council a couple of months back. To make matters worse, he is currently not even the head of the cash-rich Indian board that runs the sport in the country. The minister is going through a phase of depression and is skipping meals because of this, unlike many farmers who starve because they can’t afford to buy food. To overcome his depression, the minister has come up with an innovative idea that brings his passion and profession together. The ministry of agriculture would organise a countrywide cricket tournament. The matches would happen in almost every village across the country. Special focus would be on drought-affected areas as we strongly believe that this tournament would help the farmers forget their woes. The scale of the planned event is unprecedented.”

When asked if the ministry was disappointed with the Indian Meteorological Department (IMD) for getting its predictions of the southwest monsoon miserably wrong, the officer said with a smirk on his face: “Only journalists, columnists and editorial writers take these predictions seriously. We, in the agriculture ministry never pay much attention to the IMD forecast. In fact, we would have been quite surprised if they got it right. Their track record speaks for itself. That reminds me. The IMD would also be an integral part of the tournament. We are also planning to invite and felicitate the head of the IMD during the tournament for making sure that the organisation lives up to its reputation. But one cannot help but admire the tenacity and steadfastness of the IMD even as late as the end of June. The odds clearly favoured a monsoon with seasonal rainfall below 96 per cent of the long period average, with the possibility of a drought. But the IMD declared in its updated June forecast that the monsoon was ‘most likely’ to be in the ‘normal’ category with rainfall between 96 per cent and 104 per cent.”

There has been a huge surge in the number of applicants for various posts in the Indian Meteorological Department over the past few weeks. Thousands of illiterate farmers were among the applicants. “We can do a better job at predicting monsoons than this,” wryly noted a farmer. “We thought only the post of the President of India is ceremonial. But now we know which is the ceremonial organisation of India,” said another.

Farmers in the Vidarbha region of Maharashtra have welcomed the decision of the Union agriculture minister. Nandu Lal, a debt-ridden Vidarbha farmer said: “Many of us were planning to take the extreme step. With this cricket tournament planned, we can defer the decision by a few weeks.”

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=419399&catid=39

Father figure (Published in 'The Statesman' on 01/08/12)

Thousands of supporters of a certain politician who once served as chief minister of a prominent northern state took to the streets to celebrate the historic DNA test result that was made public last Friday. “We are so happy. Our leader has become a father at the age of 86 years. It’s a rare and incredible feat,” said a supporter wiping his tears of joy. “This flies in the face of all the naysayers who grossly underestimated what our leader was capable of despite having seen what happened in the Raj Bhavan of a southern state when he occupied it. Satyamev Jayate!” said another.

Confusion prevailed for some time on Friday as Youth Congress workers from Tamil Nadu (where names and surnames of Northerners are easily misunderstood) who had earlier burnt copies of a newspaper to protest against the TIME cover story about Mr Manmohan Singh came to Delhi to congratulate Congress spokesperson Mr Manish Tewari on his being declared a father.  For once, the usually garrulous spokesman was dumbfounded and had a tough time convincing the mob that it was not he who had become a father.

Jest Kidding spoke to someone close to the senior politician. This is what he had to say: “Our leader is scared of needles and that’s the only reason behind his dodging and delaying the process of giving a blood sample. There was no other reason. The entire world knows that.” When asked what was going through the leader’s mind on the day the DNA test result was to be announced, an insider whispered: “On Friday, our leader was feeling exactly like a school kid on the day of the result. He knew well that he had messed up badly but was still hoping for some miracle.”

A senior official in the law ministry confirmed to Jest Kidding that there was a proposal to set up a fast track court to hear all the paternity suits against the leader. He also said that the process of filing claims against the leader would be simplified. Soon, plaintiffs would be able to file a paternity suit against the leader at any post office and at all branches of nationalised banks in the country.

Textile major Raymond announced a new line of semi-formal suits named after the leader.  A company spokesperson said: “This is targeted at all those who are fathers. We are planning to brand it as RaymoND paternity suit as a mark of respect to the leader. The leader himself will endorse the suit.”

Some overenthusiastic supporters of the politician have proposed that he now be recognised as the real ‘father of the nation’ but the government dismissed these demands as frivolous, mischievous and irresponsible.

Link: http://thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=418592&catid=39

Role Playing (Published in 'The Statesman' on 25/07/12)

Taking a cue from the Rahul Gandhi episode, senior Congress leaders such as Mr Digvijay Singh and Mr Salman Khurshid have called for a larger remit in the government for Mr Manmohan Singh as well. In recent weeks, these leaders had been clamouring for greater involvement of Mr Rahul Gandhi in the party and the government. Mr Gandhi conceded their demands by signalling at long last that he was ready for a more “proactive role”. Satisfied that their demands were finally going to be met, several leaders in the government and the party have now started campaigning for a meaningful role for Mr Singh.

Jest Kidding spoke to Mrs Sonia Gandhi, widely believed to be the person who can help Mr Singh come into his own. When asked about the possibility of Mr Singh becoming more central to delivering good governance, she said: “It is for Mr Singh to decide. He alone can take a decision on this.” This surprised all those who had been thinking all the while that Mrs Gandhi was the biggest impediment in the way of Mr Singh playing a more prominent role in the government.

Mr Manmohan Singh later confirmed to Jest Kidding that he was indeed willing to expand his remit. “I will play a more proactive role in the government. The decision has been taken, the timing is up to my boss ~ the Congress president,” he said. Mr Singh’s decision has made the members of the ruling coalition very happy and several leaders welcomed it. DMK chief Mr M Karunanidhi said: “We need young leaders like Mr Manmohan Singh to do more to promote good governance. I welcome his decision wholeheartedly.”

A Congress functionary who did not wish to be named said Mr Singh would do a good job because he had learnt the ropes in his capacity as no.2 in the government for the past eight years. He also felt that it had not been appropriate for Mr Sharad Pawar to have asked for the no.2 slot a few days ago when Mr Singh was already occupying it. “It was not right the right thing to do. That was downright disrespectful,” he said.

The Bharatiya Janata Party said Mr Singh’s proactiveness had come a little late. “The UPA came to power in 2004. It is ridiculous that Mr Singh has decided to play a more proactive role after eight years in the saddle. Now, it is too late,” said BJP president Mr Nitin Gadkari. Ms Renuka Chowdhary of the Congress hit back in her usual aggressive style: “Better late than never. We do not need to seek the BJP’s approval. We at least know who our No.1 is. Can the BJP say the same for itself?”

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=417803&catid=39

And the award goes to...(Published in 'The Statesman' on 18/07/12)

Because of the growing number of controversial news items in the recent past, some journalists have come together and have decided to institute a ‘newsmakers of the week’ award. Jest Kidding spoke to a member of the group to know more about this interesting decision and the award.

This is what the member had to say: “Of late, we have seen several controversies erupting around important people and institutions. These are typically actions that are widely condemned, statements that are usually retracted stating that they had been quoted out of context and the like. Essentially, these are incidents that dictate the content of newspapers and set the agenda for news channel debates for the next few days.

“The actions/statements can be funny, shocking, sensational, intriguing, politically incorrect or simply stupid. Though we journalists might condemn or even ridicule many of these, we are dependent on these newsmakers for our survival. Imagine how insipid and listless news would be without Digvijay Singh or Yeddyurappa or Swami Nityananda. The journalistic community is indebted to these newsmakers for giving us interesting content to write and debate on.

“We felt we have failed to recognise the valuable contribution of these people who are so critical for our survival. On Sunday, we came up with our first list of newsmakers for the week. The honourable home minister has made it to the list this week for his candid remark that citizens who can pay Rs 15 for a bottle of water should not complain about a Re 1 increase in the price of rice, failing to recognise that having to pay Rs 15 for a bottle of water itself hints at lack of availability of clean, potable water thus pointing at a failure of government in India over the years.

“Another person who has made it to this week’s list is Mr Salman Khurshid for fearlessly articulating the truth about the lack of ideological direction in the Congress and the cameo role of Rahul Gandhi. Both insist that they had been quoted out of context, as expected. The third person who has made it to the first list is Swami Agnivesh for defending the Viswa-Bharati warden. The ward boy who was caught performing a surgical procedure in UP has also made it to the list.

“This being the first list, a couple of representatives from our group will personally visit these people and hand them small gifts as a token of our gratitude. We will come up with a list of ‘newsmakers of the week’ every Sunday.

“We are also planning to come up with some kind of recognition for the biggest newsmaker of the year, maybe something like ‘The greatest newsmaker after Yeddyurappa’ along the lines of a similar series by CNN-IBN and History Channel,” he said.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=417094&catid=39

Presidential prospects (Published in 'The Statesman' on 11/07/12)

There’s one thing that has dominated the print and electronic media over the last few weeks ~ the Presidential election. I have been following the developments more out of disbelief than curiosity. Frankly, I do not understand what the fuss is all about. I fail to comprehend why the election to the office of the President of India gets so much attention and coverage. I have been desperately trying to figure out why the office of the President of India is considered so important and thus attractive.

I understand that it’s a great honour to get a chance to hoist the tricolour and preside over the parade at Rajpath on 26 January every year. It must be exciting for the Commander-in-Chief of the Indian Armed Forces to take the salute. It would be a memorable experience to read out a prepared speech without any modulation whatsoever on Republic Day, reminding Indians about our democratic principles, secular credentials, constitutional values and our composite culture. It must be a joyful experience to read out a generic speech urging the government to pursue inclusive growth and sustainable development thereby making people wonder if is the same text that was used in 2009 or 2010 or 2011.

Understandably, the prospect of celebrating Holi or Raksha Bandhan with little kids and posing for photographs that would appear on the front page of newspapers the next day is definitely very attractive. It must be a hair-raising experience to be airborne in a fighter jet aircraft and fly at a speed close to supersonic level. More importantly, you can get pictures of yourself wearing a combat aircraft suit clicked which you can probably use for your Facebook profile.  No doubt, it’s very difficult to resist a chance to take your family to several countries at a cost of several hundred crores of rupees charged to the Consolidated Fund of India. Naturally, anyone would be tempted by the prospect of visiting exotic countries like say Burkina Faso with your family and then proudly claiming that it is the first Indian presidential visit to the country in several decades.

It’s definitely a great privilege to be the first one to send Diwali or Christmas or Id wishes to the people of this great nation. It’s certainly an honour to be the first one to congratulate sportspersons on their achievements or mourn the demise of Indian legends in different fields using a standard template that was probably prepared in 1953. It would definitely be an exhilarating experience to rise to the occasion and give away the Param Vir Chakra, the Padma awards and the Filmfare awards. OK, probably not the last one.
It must definitely be a wonderful experience to use the Mercedes Benz S600L Pullman armoured car upgraded at an estimated cost of Rs 6 crore. It’s not difficult to appreciate that it would be hard to turn down the prospect of getting a nice post-retirement bungalow on a massive piece of defence land. Needless to say, it must be a thrilling experience to sit on mercy petitions for several years.

But these minor privileges apart, I do not understand why anyone would want to be the President of India. It’s a tough job. Can you visualise how difficult it must be to arbitrarily grant pardon to someone found guilty of sacrificing a nine-year-old boy for his prosperity, especially after the Supreme Court described it as “an illustrative and most exemplary case to be treated as the ‘rarest of rare cases’ in which death is and should be the rule, with no exception whatsoever”? Most of us hate being advised by others. So you can imagine what an incredibly daunting task it must be to go strictly by the advice of the Council of Ministers (42nd amendment to Article 74(1) of the Constitution). What an arduous task it must be to quietly give your assent to every Bill!

Can you imagine how difficult it is to live up to the reputation of the office that was once held by a respectable gentleman who proudly remarked that he would sweep his leader’s room with a broom if asked? Can you imagine doing the extremely challenging and intellectually stimulating task of obediently issuing the proclamation of Emergency under Article 352 of the Constitution by signing the papers at midnight using your Constitutional authority as head of state to allow a leader to rule by decree? No, I am not talking about plunging the country into crisis. That’s not the issue here. It’s about being woken up at midnight. Why would anyone tolerate that?

I find the job of the President of India extremely unattractive despite some minor benefits listed at the beginning of this article. And that’s why I find it difficult to understand why someone would want to be nominated as a candidate. Thankfully, I am quite young and hence fortunately, I will not be considered for nomination for at least another 50 years. I am relieved.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=416233&catid=39

What a change! (Published in 'The Statesman' on 04/07/12)

Last week, some unusual developments were witnessed. Oil marketing companies cut petrol prices by between Rs 2.5 and 3 (in different cities), the second reduction in June. The stock markets clocked the biggest single-day gain in 2012 so far by rallying more than 2.50 per cent, after the finance ministry unveiled the draft guidelines of the General Anti-Tax Avoidance Rules (GAAR), in anticipation of major changes in the domestic economy under the leadership of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh who has assumed responsibility of the finance ministry. It rained in Chennai and the weather was unusually pleasant, making Chennaiites irritable by exposing them to something they are not used to.

“This is shocking. I have been hoarding petrol for the last few weeks in the hope that prices would continue to rise. Such reductions are completely unacceptable,” said Mr Sandeep Patel, a resident of Ahmedabad. A retail investor from Mumbai had this to say about the recent development: “I was short-selling shares last week, hoping that I will be able to make some money as and when there is some bad news about the economy. The unexpected rally has come as a huge shock! I had absolute faith in the government’s passivity. This sudden display of resoluteness by the Prime Minister is uncharacteristic. I hope he doesn’t resort to more drastic measures like pushing forward much-needed economic reforms to bolster investor sentiments.”

Some people in Chennai belonging to a certain group took to the streets protesting against the sudden drop in temperature. The group has organised several such agitations in the past blaming the government for everything from cyclones to tsunamis.

“There should be some predictability in news developments,” said Mr Nayar, a veteran journalist. “When people turn their television sets on these days, they expect to see Yeddyurappa fomenting trouble in Karnataka to regain the chief minister’s chair. People expect news of drunken youngsters driving luxury cars mowing down innocent people in the National Capital Region. They expect to hear about police busting late-night raves involving high-profile people in Mumbai or Goa. They expect to see more scams tumbling out of politicians’ cupboards and sex scandals involving Godmen. Viewers expect chaos in Parliament and the comptroller & auditor-general to tell us more about losses running into several lakh crores of rupees. People brace themselves for reports of crimes committed in the National Capital or Noida. And, they expect political parties to be forever at each other’s throats. What they do not expect is Karunanidhi and Jayalalithaa exchanging birthday wishes. They do not expect Nitish Kumar and Narendra Modi to share the same dais. They do not expect Mamata Banerjee to be supportive of certain UPA policies or reform proposals. They do not expect the country’s principal Opposition party to appreciate any government policy regardless of how well-designed and effective it is. People expect continuous rise in the prices of essential commodities. When there is a reversal of trend, it surprises people and leads to such adverse reactions.”

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=415463&catid=39

Look before you leap (Published in 'The Statesman' on 27/06/12)

Some days back there was a news report about a vaastu shastra expert in Guwahati making a startling claim that bad vaastu of the rupee symbol caused its fall. The vaastu consultant shockingly declared that the lower horizontal line of the symbol has ‘slit the throat’ of the Indian rupee leading to its slide, thus greatly enhancing the image of India in the global arena. Other nations beset with problems of their own looked on helplessly with newfound respect for India as the country seemed to have unearthed ingenious solutions to tackle seemingly insurmountable economic problems. Back home, many Indians felt like their throat was being slit when they came across this news item. The news was received with reactions ranging from disbelief to disgust, sarcasm to condemnation, repugnance to helplessness.

“There was one reaction to the news article, the absence of which greatly disappointed me ~ empathy,” said Mr Subodh Joshi, a well-known psychiatrist. “It is not exactly appropriate to chastise and ridicule people like vaastu shastra experts and numerologists. We should try and make an effort to understand what exactly pushed them to this mental condition. In my opinion, instead of hurling abuses at numerologists and vaastu experts, we should provide them with psychological assistance. With proper upbringing they could have been electrical engineers working in Infosys or Wipro or TCS like many other Indians. Had they got the love, care and affection they deserved during their childhood, they could have even been engineers from IIT working in completely unrelated industries like investment banking or private equity after completing their MBA from IIM Ahmedabad or Bangalore or Calcutta. Definitely, numerologists and vaastu consultants are not entirely to blame for their current state. Unfortunately, they are victims of a turbulent childhood for which they deserve sympathy,” Mr Joshi said.

Mr Anirban Sengupta, another prominent psychiatrist, concurred with Mr Joshi. This is what he had to say: “The next time a numerologist recommends to the RBI Governor that the repo rate or cash reserve ratio be increased by 50 basis points and not 25 basis points, let us not subject him to revilement. Let us give him the love he must have sorely missed in his childhood. When a vaastu expert suggests that the kitchen of 10 Janpath has to be at Rashtrapati Bhavan according to vaastu, let us not heap scorn on him. When someone else declares that the office of a certain political party has to be shifted elsewhere from 11, Ashoka Road to quell infighting, let us not frown. When someone asserts that the external affairs minister should not meet his counterpart from a neighbouring country during an inauspicious time to prevent relations from worsening, let us view his views with empathy. When a numerologist urges India to reduce its dependence on Iran for oil imports not because of pressure from the USA but because of incompatibility between the names of the two countries, let us not overreact. When some person suggests that the Planning Commission should disregard norms like 2,400 calories for rural areas and 2,100 calories for urban areas while defining the poverty line and flatly fix it at Rs 4 per person per day for rural areas and Rs 6 per person per day for urban areas, let us not be embarrassed (though the Planning Commission might conveniently concur with him on the suggestion). When a person recommends that the finance minister has to wear 11 different rings with several stones on his 10 fingers to catapult India to 9 per cent GDP growth, let us not pelt him with stones. When some numerologist urges the government to reduce the healthcare spending as a percentage of GDP to less than 1 per cent from the current level of around 1.3 per cent instead of raising it to 2.5 per cent as planned in the 12th Five Year Plan (2012-17), let us try to imagine the trauma the person must have gone through in his childhood.”

Based on the discussion with experts, Jest Kidding is of the view that the government should swiftly take measures to rehabilitate all vaastu experts and numerologists so that they can be integrated into the mainstream. Policies should be enacted to provide emotional and psychological assistance to all the numerologists and vaastu experts and equip them with necessary life skills so that they can lead normal lives with dignity.

Nothing is impossible. Let us dream of a day when India is free of vaastu experts and numerologists. On that day we would have traversed some distance in our pursuit of development of scientific temper that our constitution espouses and India can aspire to be a superpower.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=414737&catid=39

Weighing anchor (Published in 'The Statesman' on 20/06/12)

Los Cabos: Prime Minister Manmohan Singh arrived in Los Cabos on Monday for the G20 Summit. Mr Singh, who is in Mexico to attend the seventh summit of the Group of 20 developed and developing countries (G 20), spoke to a group of Indian journalists here and discussed the domestic and international developments at length. Answering a question on the UPA’s nomination of presidential candidate before he left the country, the Prime Minister made an interesting revelation that the principal factor that forced the UPA to declare a presidential candidate before he left for the summit was a news anchor.

“Considering the ruckus that was being created in this television studio every day, there was intense pressure on us”, the Prime Minister confessed. “There was speculation and then more speculation. The situation was fast spiralling out of control. We could not have allowed this situation to continue, considering the general public interest. It could have led to a law and order problem threatening the internal security of the nation,” he said. “I was particularly alarmed after I watched this particular show where the anchor confronted BJP spokesperson Nirmala Seetharaman with statements like, ‘You’ve been dodging the question for the last two days. Tell me, now. Who will be the NDA’s candidate?’ It seemed like the anchor would take Ms Seetharaman hostage and refuse to let her go till she revealed a name. It was then that I realised that a decision had to be taken before I left for the G20 summit. I do not know what would have happened to Manish (referring to Congress spokesperson Manish Tewari) if I had left the country without declaring the name of the official UPA candidate. Anything could have happened in these eight days. In all probability, Manish would have been gheraoed in newsrooms, taken hostage by journalists who would have refused to set him free until they had a name. I am happy that we have declared a name. I am happy that a serious crisis has been averted.”

When a journalist asked Mr Singh about news that the anchor’s name had been discussed for the presidential nomination during the UPA meeting at 7 Race Course Road, he replied: “Yes, his name did come up. Some members even suggested shifting the meeting to the studio where the deliberations could be moderated by the anchor with the proceedings being telecast live. But we dropped that idea because, in that case, most of us would not get a chance to speak, though personally I have no problem with that. Also, some of the members were strongly for the anchor being the official UPA presidential candidate. Even more so because his name sounds very similar to the other candidate whose name was being considered. But thankfully, better sense prevailed in the end,” the Prime Minister said.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=413989&catid=39

Toilet training (Published in 'The Statesman' on 13/06/12)

A few days ago, Microsoft founder and one of richest people in the world, Bill Gates declared in New Delhi that designing low-cost toilets for developing countries was his dream. It came to light that the co-chair of Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation planned to host the world’s best scientists and engineers in Seattle, USA in August to see if they could design cheap, dry toilets which don’t so far exist.

Jest Kidding has learnt that the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation recently organised a business plan competition across premier B-schools in India on the theme ‘Sustainable Philanthropy - A blueprint for India’. The competition was aimed at exploring ways to mobilise financial resources for philanthropic activities in India.

This is what Bill Gates had to say about this competition: “A couple of years back, Warren Buffett and I met several billionaires and as a result forty of the world’s richest families pledged to give at least half of their fortunes to philanthropy. But we were warned that the same approach of asking people to donate voluntarily might not work in India. So we had to think of different ways to mobilise resources in an Indian context and that is when we thought of organising this contest. Honestly, I was a bit sceptical about the outcome of this competition as I am not a big fan of the practice of solving the world’s problems with Powerpoint presentations in B-schools. But I must confess that I was extremely impressed with one very innovative plan submitted by a team from a Mumbai B-school. The solution was very ingenious, quite convincing and tailor-made for the Indian context.

“The plan was about starting a training institute for Godmen and then eventually deploying them in different parts of the country to rake in crores of rupees which can be routed to philanthropic activities. The team had estimated the value of the Indian industry of Babas and Godmen to be several thousand crores of rupees. Given the tendency of many Indians to get easily fooled by unscrupulous Godmen, the team felt that it would be an extremely attractive proposition to train youngsters in chicanery and oratorical skills and deploy them as Babas. The plan claims that people would be readily willing to pay in that case. The team is of the opinion that it would otherwise be very difficult to make people take to philanthropy. In my opinion, this line of thinking looks reasonable and the plan practical to implement.”

Sources told Jest Kidding that the first batch shall have 50 seats to be filled completely on merit, based on a written test to select the smartest but morally most corrupt people who can shamelessly dupe unsuspecting followers without any remorse. The plan has also listed 50 names to be given to the participants once they complete their course. There are names like Pyarananda, Nyarananda, Jhoomananda and many Babas. There is a healthy mix of Babas and Anandas in the list of names. The training institute would have guest sessions by P C Sorcar Jr and other famous magicians to equip the participants with tricks which would come in handy while fooling people and would increase the number of followers manifold. The six-month programme would have courses like ‘Living without regret’, ‘Lying without remorse’, ‘A peek into the scriptures’, ‘Introduction to philosophy’, ‘Effective Public Speaking’ among others. At the end of the course the fully equipped Godmen would be posted at 50 strategically located Ashrams across the country. The initial funding for setting up ashrams, training institute etc would be provided by the foundation. Some investment would also be made initially to set up hospitals and schools to give these Godmen the much-needed initial thrust of legitimacy in the public eye so that people would start donating generously.

According to the business plan, the foundation can expect to break even in just over a year. Apart from food, accommodation in ashram, some perquisites and a modest salary, the Godmen would not get to keep any wealth. The plan envisages increasing the intake of the institute gradually over the years. The entire money collected from the public would be used for philanthropic activities of Bill and Melinda Gates foundation in India, currently in sanitation and later in education, healthcare and other segments, the sources said.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=413163&catid=39

To sir, with love (My edit page piece in 'The Times of India' on 11/06/12)

I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude to the honourable finance minister for his graceful act of owning up responsibility for the current economic mess. It was indeed heartening to see his candid acknowledgment emphatically stating that the 'buck stops with him'. Some innocent investors had been naively believing that, in the context of the current Indian economic crisis, the buck stops with a prominent English news channel journalist. Against this backdrop, it is commendable that the finance minister came forward and issued this clarification in the Rajya Sabha.

It is also a matter of great relief that the FM has brilliantly pointed out that the high current account deficit is a reason behind the rupee touching an all-time low against the US dollar. Also, i would like to bring to the notice of the FM that Bappi Lahiri might be one of the principal reasons behind India's widening current account deficit. The investor community would be happy if the FM looked at this angle of the problem.

For people like me, it is extremely reassuring to periodically hear from the prime minister and the FM positive statements like ''the fundamentals of the Indian economy are strong'', ''the Indian growth story is intact'' etc. Also, in the context of a continuously sliding rupee, stubbornly high inflation, high interest rates, weak IIP numbers and sluggish GDP growth resulting in frequent bloodbaths on Dalal Street, the regular clarifications from the FM rightly identifying factors like the eurozone crisis and foreign investorsflocking to the USD as it is perceived as a safe currency provide succour to Indian investors. The clarifications also have great educational value for laypersons like me. I am very happy that the FM has taught us extremely useful, interesting phrases like 'biting the bullet' and 'pressing the panic button'.

However, i would like to express my displeasure regarding some statements made by people holding important positions. Such comments stating that the economy is in a critical situation and that we are trapped because of policy paralysis are deeply disappointing. I do not want to hear such bitter statements. I would urge the guilty people — and they know who they are — to come forward and issue a clarification that they were quoted out of context like so many politicians do every day.

Losing money without knowing the reason behind it is probably the worst thing that can happen to an investor (or second worst if you rank getting beaten by the missus with a dough rolling pin higher). I have been experiencing this nightmare. Now, with these clarifications from the FM, i can happily lose money being fully aware of the reasons behind it. I am forever indebted to him for his graceful gesture.

Also, with the impending deregulation of diesel pricing, it would be a delight to watch petrol and diesel prices compete with each other in their race to touch Rs 100 per litre. I am eagerly looking forward to it. We are already witnessing an interesting, close contest between fiscal deficit and current account deficit, though at this moment, fiscal deficit appears a clear winner. Though we hoped for double-digit GDP growth and low single-digit inflation rate, i am happy that we at least got the opposite. Despite the fact that the GDP growth rate has slipped to 6.5% in 2011-12, the worst in nine years, we are still the second fastest-growing economy, as the policymakers have painstakingly pointed out time and again.

My happiness knows no bounds when i hear such optimistic, positive statements about the economy from responsible people in the government, my personal monetary losses notwithstanding. I would like to thank the FM and others portraying a wonderful picture of the Indian economy for making me abundantly happy with their scholarly statements. 

Link: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/opinion/edit-page/To-sir-with-love/articleshow/14001774.cms