Lateral thinking (Published in 'The Statesman' on 29/08/12)

Following his much-acclaimed theory painting a favourable picture of inflation, Union steel minister Mr Beni Prasad Verma has released a list of desirable but popularly-detested evils. The list includes a personal note from the minister alongside each item detailing the basis of its inclusion.

Predictably, rising food prices occupies the top position in the list, with the justification that it benefits the farmers. Another item that has made it to the list is corruption. The minister is of the view that contrary to popular perception, 2G and Coalgate scams have been immensely helpful as they have educated Indians about the constitutional authority called the comptroller & auditor-general of India. “If these scams did not happen would people of this country know about the existence of such an important office?” demanded Mr Verma in a note.

He has also justified crimes like rape and murder. “Crimes should increase at a healthy rate. Imagine a society without crime. What will happen to the law and order machinery? What will happen to the police force and the judiciary? Law enforcers will lose their jobs. This will result in unemployment which would then make these jobless people take to crimes. So, we must ensure that crimes grow at a healthy rate,” reads the minister’s note.

Another item that has made it to the list is ‘low GDP growth rate’. “Most people whine about slowing GDP growth. However, it is well-known that high growth is accompanied by high inflation. So, slow growth is not so bad after all. The lower the growth rate the better it is for the economy. Ideally, we must aim for a negative growth rate,” the minister writes.

“The problem of farmer suicides is being blown out of proportion by the media. A big problem among farmers is indebtedness and suicides handle this problem effectively. It has been observed that farmers who commit suicide are no longer in debt. So farmer suicides help in tackling the problem of indebtedness,” reads the note accompanying the item ‘farmer suicides’ on the list.

Another interesting note goes thus: “The recent move by railways to prevent touts from blocking Tatkal tickets is rather unfortunate. This has impacted thousands of people who were dependent on this railway ticket black market for their livelihood. Blocking of Tatkal tickets by touts is desirable and must be allowed to continue.”

The fact that India has not been at war with any nation for many years now has been listed as a cause for concern. “Our defence budget is a whopping Rs 1,93,000 crore for 2012-13. A war would give us the satisfaction that we are putting this money to good use. Also, the armed forces need to see some action. It is necessary to keep their morale high.”

The list is quite comprehensive and includes an ingenious justification for almost every single thing commonly perceived as undesirable. It is learnt that Congress president Sonia Gandhi is so impressed with Mr Verma’s perspicacity that she has instructed the Prime Minister to set up a group of ministers to ensure his vision is translated into action.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=421508&catid=39

Report Writing (Published in 'The Statesman' on 22/08/12)

After the grand success of the reports on 2G and coal scams, the comptroller and auditor-general (CAG) of India has decided to come up with a series of reports estimating losses to the exchequer caused by government policy decisions since Independence.

Three reports by the CAG that were recently tabled in Parliament pegged the total loss to the exchequer at close to Rs 220,000 crore. This triggered considerable outrage. However, the UPA government also earned admiration from some quarters for exceeding the already high standards it had set for itself by crossing the seemingly insurmountable figure of Rs 176,000 crore achieved in the 2G scam.

Speaking exclusively to Jest Kidding, the CAG said: “It is heartening to see the response to my reports. It has been overwhelming. I feel it would be an exciting exercise to regularly collate similar reports enumerating presumptive losses running to several thousand crores. The ultimate aim would be to come up with a comprehensive master report that would estimate the loss to the exchequer caused by corruption since Independence. I wouldn’t be surprised if the total notional loss exceeds the GDP of many big developing countries.” Along expected lines, Union minister Mr Kapil Sibal dismissed these figures by invoking the complex, ingenious zero-loss theory that he had formulated many months ago.

In other news, the Union power ministry has decided to advance the process of integrating the southern grid with the national grid to January 2014. The integration was earlier planned for December 2014. Jest Kidding has learnt that the decision was precipitated by the recent grid collapse that plunged large parts of north and east India into darkness as experts have pointed out that apart from strictly enforced grid discipline, the fact that the southern grid was not connected with the rest saved it from a blackout.
“Had the grid been integrated earlier, we could have well experienced the spectacle of the entire country being affected at the same time. It would have been a massive show of strength and solidarity. The southern region missed all the excitement. So, we want to make amends now,” said Union minister for power and corporate affairs Mr M Veerappa Moily who did not wish to be named.

In another development, a journalist has accused the Indian-American journalist and author Fareed Zakaria of committing another act of plagiarism. The journalist wrote in a blog that the words Zakaria used to apologise for purported plagiarism had been lifted verbatim from a similar confession made by another author some months ago. But Zakaria vehemently denied the charge.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=420785&catid=39

Olympian feat (Published in 'The Statesman' on 15/08/12)

Parliament witnessed usual scenes of uproar and adjournment on Friday, this time over a statement made by sports minister Mr Ajay Maken during an interview to a private news channel. The minister had said that India would target 25 medals at the 2020 Olympics. A Rajya Sabha member strongly criticised the minister for failing to specify how many of these medals would be reserved for Scheduled Castes and Scheduled Tribes. The former chief minister of a populous north Indian state launched a scathing attack on the minister accusing him of turning a blind eye to the plight of the oppressed people.

The leader who, according to her opponents, has metamorphosed from ‘Dalit ki beti’ to ‘Daulat ki beti’ over the past years, said in Parliament: “I strongly condemn the irresponsible statement made by the sports minister. He has deliberately avoided talking about ensuring adequate representation of the oppressed people among the Indian Olympic medal winners. His skirting the issue clearly exposes his mala fide intent. Fifteen per cent of the members of the Indian contingent must belong to the Scheduled Castes and another 7.5 per cent must be from the Scheduled Tribes. The same proportion must be maintained among medal winners too. The government must immediately introduce a Bill to this effect in this session of Parliament.”

MPs cutting across party lines voiced their support for the demand. Chaos prevailed as members belonging to different parties shouted slogans and stormed the Well of the House. A former chief minister of Bihar present in the House said it was not enough to merely ensure representation of the SCs and STs. He demanded a quota for the Other Backward Castes in addition to the SC/ST reservation. A senior minister of the ruling party suggested the inclusion of a provision for the reservation of 4.5 per cent for the minority community within the quota for OBCs. A major Opposition party opposed this statement from the minister saying that reservation on the basis of religion was unconstitutional and that it would never support such a move. Though the members created ruckus, there was unanimous agreement among the MPs that henceforth, there ought to be reservation for SC/ST/OBCs in the Indian Olympic contingent and among the medal winners.

The minister of state in the Prime Minister’s Office said in the Rajya Sabha that a Bill would be brought in this regard on 22 August after an all-party meeting that would discuss the issue on 21 August. “The Prime Minister will call a meeting of leaders of all political parties on 21st of this month to discuss the issue of SC/ST/OBC reservation. This has been the demand of the honourable members. On 22 August, the government will be able to bring the Bill in the House,” he said. Earlier, the Prime Minister had assured leaders of different political parties in the house that their just demands would be met. The Speaker of the House had to adjourn proceedings following the uproar.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=420161&catid=39

Match Point (Published in 'The Statesman' on 08/08/12)

If reports are to be believed, the former president of the International Cricket Council (ICC), Mr Sharad Pawar, is planning to organise a series of cricket matches in the drought-affected areas of the country. The ex-chief of the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) who, incidentally, is also the agriculture minister of the Union of India responsible for feeding a sixth of the world population is reported to have expressed his desire to conduct a cricket tournament in the rural areas of the country to a top official in the agriculture ministry.

An undersecretary-level officer in the ministry of agriculture spoke to Jest Kidding on condition of anonymity. This is what he had to say: “The minister has a long association with cricket. Also, he has been holding additional charge of agriculture ministry for quite sometime. The minister has been dejected ever since he stepped down as the president of the International Cricket Council a couple of months back. To make matters worse, he is currently not even the head of the cash-rich Indian board that runs the sport in the country. The minister is going through a phase of depression and is skipping meals because of this, unlike many farmers who starve because they can’t afford to buy food. To overcome his depression, the minister has come up with an innovative idea that brings his passion and profession together. The ministry of agriculture would organise a countrywide cricket tournament. The matches would happen in almost every village across the country. Special focus would be on drought-affected areas as we strongly believe that this tournament would help the farmers forget their woes. The scale of the planned event is unprecedented.”

When asked if the ministry was disappointed with the Indian Meteorological Department (IMD) for getting its predictions of the southwest monsoon miserably wrong, the officer said with a smirk on his face: “Only journalists, columnists and editorial writers take these predictions seriously. We, in the agriculture ministry never pay much attention to the IMD forecast. In fact, we would have been quite surprised if they got it right. Their track record speaks for itself. That reminds me. The IMD would also be an integral part of the tournament. We are also planning to invite and felicitate the head of the IMD during the tournament for making sure that the organisation lives up to its reputation. But one cannot help but admire the tenacity and steadfastness of the IMD even as late as the end of June. The odds clearly favoured a monsoon with seasonal rainfall below 96 per cent of the long period average, with the possibility of a drought. But the IMD declared in its updated June forecast that the monsoon was ‘most likely’ to be in the ‘normal’ category with rainfall between 96 per cent and 104 per cent.”

There has been a huge surge in the number of applicants for various posts in the Indian Meteorological Department over the past few weeks. Thousands of illiterate farmers were among the applicants. “We can do a better job at predicting monsoons than this,” wryly noted a farmer. “We thought only the post of the President of India is ceremonial. But now we know which is the ceremonial organisation of India,” said another.

Farmers in the Vidarbha region of Maharashtra have welcomed the decision of the Union agriculture minister. Nandu Lal, a debt-ridden Vidarbha farmer said: “Many of us were planning to take the extreme step. With this cricket tournament planned, we can defer the decision by a few weeks.”

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=419399&catid=39

Father figure (Published in 'The Statesman' on 01/08/12)

Thousands of supporters of a certain politician who once served as chief minister of a prominent northern state took to the streets to celebrate the historic DNA test result that was made public last Friday. “We are so happy. Our leader has become a father at the age of 86 years. It’s a rare and incredible feat,” said a supporter wiping his tears of joy. “This flies in the face of all the naysayers who grossly underestimated what our leader was capable of despite having seen what happened in the Raj Bhavan of a southern state when he occupied it. Satyamev Jayate!” said another.

Confusion prevailed for some time on Friday as Youth Congress workers from Tamil Nadu (where names and surnames of Northerners are easily misunderstood) who had earlier burnt copies of a newspaper to protest against the TIME cover story about Mr Manmohan Singh came to Delhi to congratulate Congress spokesperson Mr Manish Tewari on his being declared a father.  For once, the usually garrulous spokesman was dumbfounded and had a tough time convincing the mob that it was not he who had become a father.

Jest Kidding spoke to someone close to the senior politician. This is what he had to say: “Our leader is scared of needles and that’s the only reason behind his dodging and delaying the process of giving a blood sample. There was no other reason. The entire world knows that.” When asked what was going through the leader’s mind on the day the DNA test result was to be announced, an insider whispered: “On Friday, our leader was feeling exactly like a school kid on the day of the result. He knew well that he had messed up badly but was still hoping for some miracle.”

A senior official in the law ministry confirmed to Jest Kidding that there was a proposal to set up a fast track court to hear all the paternity suits against the leader. He also said that the process of filing claims against the leader would be simplified. Soon, plaintiffs would be able to file a paternity suit against the leader at any post office and at all branches of nationalised banks in the country.

Textile major Raymond announced a new line of semi-formal suits named after the leader.  A company spokesperson said: “This is targeted at all those who are fathers. We are planning to brand it as RaymoND paternity suit as a mark of respect to the leader. The leader himself will endorse the suit.”

Some overenthusiastic supporters of the politician have proposed that he now be recognised as the real ‘father of the nation’ but the government dismissed these demands as frivolous, mischievous and irresponsible.

Link: http://thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=418592&catid=39

Role Playing (Published in 'The Statesman' on 25/07/12)

Taking a cue from the Rahul Gandhi episode, senior Congress leaders such as Mr Digvijay Singh and Mr Salman Khurshid have called for a larger remit in the government for Mr Manmohan Singh as well. In recent weeks, these leaders had been clamouring for greater involvement of Mr Rahul Gandhi in the party and the government. Mr Gandhi conceded their demands by signalling at long last that he was ready for a more “proactive role”. Satisfied that their demands were finally going to be met, several leaders in the government and the party have now started campaigning for a meaningful role for Mr Singh.

Jest Kidding spoke to Mrs Sonia Gandhi, widely believed to be the person who can help Mr Singh come into his own. When asked about the possibility of Mr Singh becoming more central to delivering good governance, she said: “It is for Mr Singh to decide. He alone can take a decision on this.” This surprised all those who had been thinking all the while that Mrs Gandhi was the biggest impediment in the way of Mr Singh playing a more prominent role in the government.

Mr Manmohan Singh later confirmed to Jest Kidding that he was indeed willing to expand his remit. “I will play a more proactive role in the government. The decision has been taken, the timing is up to my boss ~ the Congress president,” he said. Mr Singh’s decision has made the members of the ruling coalition very happy and several leaders welcomed it. DMK chief Mr M Karunanidhi said: “We need young leaders like Mr Manmohan Singh to do more to promote good governance. I welcome his decision wholeheartedly.”

A Congress functionary who did not wish to be named said Mr Singh would do a good job because he had learnt the ropes in his capacity as no.2 in the government for the past eight years. He also felt that it had not been appropriate for Mr Sharad Pawar to have asked for the no.2 slot a few days ago when Mr Singh was already occupying it. “It was not right the right thing to do. That was downright disrespectful,” he said.

The Bharatiya Janata Party said Mr Singh’s proactiveness had come a little late. “The UPA came to power in 2004. It is ridiculous that Mr Singh has decided to play a more proactive role after eight years in the saddle. Now, it is too late,” said BJP president Mr Nitin Gadkari. Ms Renuka Chowdhary of the Congress hit back in her usual aggressive style: “Better late than never. We do not need to seek the BJP’s approval. We at least know who our No.1 is. Can the BJP say the same for itself?”

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=417803&catid=39

And the award goes to...(Published in 'The Statesman' on 18/07/12)

Because of the growing number of controversial news items in the recent past, some journalists have come together and have decided to institute a ‘newsmakers of the week’ award. Jest Kidding spoke to a member of the group to know more about this interesting decision and the award.

This is what the member had to say: “Of late, we have seen several controversies erupting around important people and institutions. These are typically actions that are widely condemned, statements that are usually retracted stating that they had been quoted out of context and the like. Essentially, these are incidents that dictate the content of newspapers and set the agenda for news channel debates for the next few days.

“The actions/statements can be funny, shocking, sensational, intriguing, politically incorrect or simply stupid. Though we journalists might condemn or even ridicule many of these, we are dependent on these newsmakers for our survival. Imagine how insipid and listless news would be without Digvijay Singh or Yeddyurappa or Swami Nityananda. The journalistic community is indebted to these newsmakers for giving us interesting content to write and debate on.

“We felt we have failed to recognise the valuable contribution of these people who are so critical for our survival. On Sunday, we came up with our first list of newsmakers for the week. The honourable home minister has made it to the list this week for his candid remark that citizens who can pay Rs 15 for a bottle of water should not complain about a Re 1 increase in the price of rice, failing to recognise that having to pay Rs 15 for a bottle of water itself hints at lack of availability of clean, potable water thus pointing at a failure of government in India over the years.

“Another person who has made it to this week’s list is Mr Salman Khurshid for fearlessly articulating the truth about the lack of ideological direction in the Congress and the cameo role of Rahul Gandhi. Both insist that they had been quoted out of context, as expected. The third person who has made it to the first list is Swami Agnivesh for defending the Viswa-Bharati warden. The ward boy who was caught performing a surgical procedure in UP has also made it to the list.

“This being the first list, a couple of representatives from our group will personally visit these people and hand them small gifts as a token of our gratitude. We will come up with a list of ‘newsmakers of the week’ every Sunday.

“We are also planning to come up with some kind of recognition for the biggest newsmaker of the year, maybe something like ‘The greatest newsmaker after Yeddyurappa’ along the lines of a similar series by CNN-IBN and History Channel,” he said.

Link: http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=417094&catid=39