Licentious ways (This was published in The Statesman on 08/02/12)

The newly published Handbook of Indian Politics by political scientist RC Guha is proving to be a hit among people in power and aspiring politicians. The book describes the current Indian political scenario and analyses nuances and intricacies. The section titled “Statements for different occasions” has proved especially popular with politicians. It is a compendium of statements to be used on different occasions by different people depending on their role/party etc. Politicians cutting across party lines were seen flocking to stores to grab their copy of the book. Here are some excerpts from the chapter:
Depending on ideology/party, a certain stand has to be taken with complete disregard for the context or logic. For instance, if you belong to BSP, you can say with conviction “global warming is anti-Dalit”. If you belong to a communist party, you can confidently say: “The USA is responsible for my son’s fever”.
When something goes wrong: “We were just following the policies of the regime.” For example, If UPA, insert NDA; if NDA, insert UPA.
When you come to power after defeating the Opposition: “ We have to undo all the damage done over the last 5 years”, by For example, if DMK insert ADMK, if Trinamool Congress insert Left, if Left in Kerala insert Congress, if BJP in Karnataka insert JD-S.
When you are in the Opposition, you have to say once a week (regardless of the issue): “The Prime Minister/chief minister should assume moral responsibility and step down.”
If you are the PM and natural disaster strikes: “My office is closely monitoring the developments. We’ll extend all possible support to the state government.”
If you are the finance minister: Irrespective of petrol price rise, high inflation, very high interest rates, very weak rupee, bear markets, poor IIP numbers, huge fiscal deficit, slowing GDP growth, you have to always say: “The fundamentals of our economy are strong”.
If you are the President, and a celebrity passes away: “We cannot forget his/her contribution to His passing away has left a vacuum that cannot be filled.”
If you are the external affairs minister: “We are watching the developments in closely. I am confident that all issues can be settled amicably through dialogue.”
When there is a terror attack (A combination of some of these statements can be used by the PM, President and home minister): “I strongly condemn these blasts. These blasts are meant to destabilise the country. We’ll never be intimidated by these terrorists. I appeal to the people to remain calm and not to panic. We’ll leave no stone unturned in nabbing the culprits behind this dastardly act. Do not politicise this issue. We had shared Intelligence inputs with police many months back. The involvement of any group cannot be ruled out now.”
If one aspires to be Digvijay Singh, you need to know only one line: “I suspect the hand of Hindu right wing groups in .” For example: “I suspect RSS hand in Nadal defeating Federer.” The chapter also has a model President’s Republic Day address vaguely touching on topics such as poverty, illiteracy, unemployment, education, health care and the like that can be recycled over decades.

A minister, who did not want to be identified, said: “This book is outstanding. It is a must-read for anyone who aspires to be in politics. It would be extremely useful and very handy especially for high profile politicians who have to face the media/people often.”